His name was Kenneth White. He was 19 years old when Pearl Harbor was bombed on December 7, 1941. According to my father, Ken ran naked from his barracks in search of cover. It wasn’t until he found the safety of a bunker that he realized the bottom of his feet were cut and bleeding. As many military men do, he moved his family all over the world, Puerto Rico (my grandmother loved it), North Carolina, Germany, Kansas, and others. He was married four times. My grandmother was his third wife. Three divorced him; one died before she could.
After retiring from the military, Ken lived in San Diego and then moved to the Villages in Florida, where he died at 94. He enjoyed tending his roses, driving a Dodge Charger extremely fast, reading cheap Old West novels, and long-distance running. When he visited my father in Kansas City, he’d sit on a kitchen stool most of the day, telling stories. He smelled of Old Spice aftershave and talcum powder. Around 3 p.m., he’d start drinking Budweiser and wouldn’t stop until he stumbled to bed around 11. By dinner, he was pretty well sloshed, spending the night talking about how the country was going to shit. The reasons varied, but mostly they had to do with Black people, Hispanics, gays, women, and Jews. There was no use trying to change his mind. He believed his travels and experience qualified him as an expert. Short of throwing him out on the lawn, we were forced to endure him.
Keep in mind that Fox News launched in 1996. Ken was his own version of it, and if you’d heard him speak, the success of Fox News would come as no surprise. I am the only one in my immediate family who went to college instead of joining the military. My father and brother were in the Navy. My uncles were both in the Army. Even my aunt spent her life doing logistical planning for the Special Forces. Luckily, my father didn’t stay in. I don’t think he wanted that life for his family. Instead, he started his own company as a salesman. It meant traveling most weeks, but at least his family could stay in one place. His choice brought about a generational shift.
Modern Parenting
Fatherhood has changed significantly in the last few decades. More men are involved in their children’s lives, attending sporting events and dance recitals, knowing their kids’ teachers, helping find activities, visiting schools to ensure they’re a good fit. We spend our paychecks on baseball bats, skates, piano lessons, and gymnastics. Many fathers, certainly not all, have chosen to be more accountable, more involved, and more caring than the fathers they knew. There’s an emphasis on being good people. While racism is still woven into the American fabric, the parts of the country where you can speak like my grandfather and not be knocked off your chair are fewer.
Father’s Day is Sunday. While men continue to show their faults, it’s worth taking a moment to recognize that generational change is occurring, too slowly for many, but it is occurring. Many men are making an effort to be more emotionally intelligent, less selfish, more open, more flexible. There are role models of men who lead with integrity, for whom violence is the last and worst solution to problems.
These ideas feel particularly sharp right now because we recently heard the Obamas speak at the opening of their Presidential Library in Chicago. If you haven’t had a chance, it’s worth listening. The contrast to our current government is stark, shocking, even. It was a reminder that we were hopeful once, that we did believe positive change was possible, and that people of different origins, races, and religions could work together in big, audacious ways to accomplish what previously seemed impossible.
It’s easy to forget that America has had leaders who inspired us. Leaders who spoke with eloquence and thoughtfulness. Leaders who sought to bring out the best in each of us rather than turn us against one another. Michelle Obama’s words keep circling through my thoughts:
Because hope is the essential spark that lights the fire of change. But hope is a choice. Whether or not we use our voices to speak up is a choice. Voting is a choice. Being a decent human being is a choice. Believing that we still hold the power to build a country that reflects us all is a choice.
Being a decent father is a choice. Whether you are a biological father, a stepfather, a coach, a teacher, or any man in a position responsible for another human being, you make a choice to treat them with dignity. Men choose whether to emulate the Kenneths of this world or to open their hearts to those who are different from them. They choose whether to be curious about a stranger or to react with fear and hatred. Most of us have had examples of both. We’re grateful that more and more men are choosing to pass on their finest qualities instead of lazily accepting their worst selves.
We’re also grateful there are fathers in the world like Barack Obama, men who can appreciate and care for a woman as confident and successful as Michelle Obama, and who set an example to other men of what a husband and father can be. A man who earned the praise Michelle gave him:
And you did it all with such grace and class and cool that you made the hardest job in the world look like a walk in this beautiful park.
Happy Father’s Day to all the men striving to be a positive force in the lives of their families and children. The world needs you. Keep going.
Thank you for reading.
